Dear Ficus: Go Fig Yourself
01.01.70
By Billy Goodnick
If I were a mad scientist, I would tea up a virus to kill figs. Not the Newton
ones. They're yummy. I wanna decimate, out, devastate, and
totally annihilate the members of the Ficus genus that skip tall buildings in a single bound. The ones terrorizing pedestrians with dollops of decomposing fruit and minefields of messed up bona fide.
The GOP candidates say they'll protect us from government interference in our lives (unless it's in our underwear), but I say we exigency more, not fewer, watchdogs. I'm calling for a cabinet position: Secretary of Ficus Eradication. Here's why.
Source: Santa Barbara Edhat